Mother's Day Isn't All Roses

I wrote this a few years ago on my first "real" mother's day. I like to share it every year, because I think it's an important reminder <3 Happy mother's day to all the mamas.

It’s almost mother’s day weekend, and I'm excited to have my first “official” mother’s day. It’s my first mother’s day with Weezy Girl. It’s my first mother’s day with Eloise and a baby in my belly. With that being said, I am thankful. Mother’s day is looked at as a joyful celebration between moms, grandmas, aunts, nieces, daughters, friends, and so on. But with this happiness, I’m going to dim the lights for a moment. Mother’s day isn’t always a happy day. Mother’s day is a day for moms to remember their loss/es. Whether that be a child who died in the womb, or a child who passed far too early, the list of horrific stories is endless. It's even a sore reminder for women who are so desperately trying to conceive, or adopt for that matter.

Why am I bringing up something so sad on such a celebrated day? A lot of women don’t feel comfortable telling their stories. Countless women are scared to tell anyone they’ve had a miscarriage for fear of being judged, or that awkward moment of silence when someone doesn’t know what to say. Or they’ll say the wrong thing like, “It happens all the time.” I know, because I've been there. I've lost a baby and it was the most horrific and traumatic event of my life. Luckily, I had Matt, my parents, and close friends to turn to. They let me cry. They let me sit in silence. They didn't ask questions. They made me food. They hugged me. They held me. They let me be angry. They let me heal. They let me talk when I was ready. And each mother’s day I am reminded of my baby that is in heaven.

I remember that first mother’s day after my miscarriage. I was so unbelievably angry. I hated seeing moms with their babies. I despised every one of them. I cried. That mother's day Matt asked me to come outside. In front of me was a small crab apple tree - to remember and honor our baby. With the tree, he wrote me a treasured card that I will hold close to me forever. We buried our baby, and planted the tree at our house. I get to watch the tree grow and bloom each year. It’s been such a treasure.

Not too long after, I was pregnant with Eloise. The fear after having a miscarriage is immense. I had never been so scared. At eight weeks I started spotting with Eloise. I immediately went into tears. Not again. Matt reassured me that spotting in early pregnancy is normal, and not to worry. But after going through such a tragic event, my mind prepared for the worst. We scheduled an ultrasound soon after and everything was perfectly normal. When I reached 12 weeks with Eloise, I felt a heavy weight lift from my chest. I had a completely healthy, normal pregnancy. I gave birth to the best gift of my life on May 21, 2014 at 9:49 PM.

I’m mom to three children. One, who I will someday meet. One, who I get to hold in my arms. And one, who is growing rapidly inside of me. While the sting of my (our – Matt has had a huge loss, too) loss will never disappear, I am at peace with the process I went through a few years ago. I will never know why my baby was taken from me, but I do know that my first child showed me a love so deep, only a mother can understand. I never knew I was capable of loving something I had never met. I was blessed with Eloise to know what it feels like to hold my own child in my arms – and my love for her, and my two other children is beyond measure.

​To all the women out there who get to hold their children, who never got to meet their children, are waiting for their children, or lost their children – happy mother’s day. You are why there is so much love in this world. You are amazing. You have endured so much. You are celebrated no matter what you've been through – today, tomorrow, and always.